Anxiety.

As I was running last night, I started to get worried that I wasn't running enough.  Not quite panicked, but the sort of worried that sits on your chest.  (I've since reviewed the miles I've logged over the past few months and while I'm not running as often, I'm running longer.  Only one run this month has been less than five miles.  So, I'm in fine shape for the half.  In ten days.)

As I've gotten older, I've learned that my brain functions a little bit differently than some others.  My husband doesn't ever lie awake at night, festering over the things that happened that day or that may happen the next.  And, most nights, I don't either.  But occasionally I do.  And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and sit there for hours thinking.

When I started having anxiety attacks more frequently, I started thinking about how anxiety affects my life (which, actually, is pretty damn counterproductive for someone suffering from anxiety).  I'm not locked in doors, afraid to go out, but it's like I can't shut off my brain.

I started reading a book earlier this week.  It was a surprise - a random find.  I think I picked it up because it had a black lab on the cover.  But it's about dogs and loss and friends and mental issues and is just an amazing book.  It talks about the bond between dogs and humans and it sort of made me realize that if I'm anxious now, how much worse I'd be without my girls.  And I think Archie offers the same benefits.  He gives me a chance to focus on something while also being outside of my brain and connected with another being.  The book is called Lost & Found by Jacqueline Sheehan.  A quote:

He knew she was dead, the one he had joined with, slept near, awaited, greeted, licked, cajoled into play, soothed through bad times, lowered her heart rate, her breath, sighed deeply to her to signal that it was time to go to sleep.  And she in turn had loved him, remembered him, delighted him with food, thrilled him with car trips where he hung his great black head out of the car window, and together they had been majestic.
 In other news, the kittens monsters are great.  They've mastered climbing, yay!  Like the bed skirt, comforter, and curtains.  D said that he saw one on the fourth shelf of the bookcase yesterday.  He also said that Aphrodite might be added to our pride because she fell asleep on his chest yesterday.  He's being a really awesome foster dad and I haven't had to do a damn thing.  :)

Ares and Aphrodite playing in D's shoes..
that Savannah will probably later eat.
Tonight, I'm taking Savannah for her horrible procedure and then either spending comfort time with her or going to go ride Archie.  It all depends on how long her procedure takes and how she is afterwards.

On a happier note, I was shopping (surprise) at Old Navy a couple weekends ago and found an amazing top.  I'm not uber fashionable, but I thought just about everyone who reads my blog would be keen on this.  Unfortunately, the Old Navy website has limited sizes and only one color - red.  I hate the color red.  But here's the link. Also, Mod Cloth?  Has a ton of horse-themed stuff.
HORSESHOES!
No explanation.  Sorry.

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3 comments

  1. Sometimes I love ModCloth and sometimes I hate it. I don't suffer from anxiety but I am a perpetually neurotic planner and will wake up, write a list quickly to free my mind to go back to sleep.

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    1. You know, I've thought about the whole get-up-and-write thing, but I'm not sure how functional I'd be at it. How do you turn on a lamp and not wake your partner? D would kill me.

      And I wouldn't call you a "neurotic planner." I'd call you Type A+. :)

      I've never actually bought anything from ModCloth, but the more I get into fashion, the more I'm looking around. I want to find a magical website that has new, relatively well-made clothes for like, $3 each. (I guess that's why I thrift.)

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    2. Yeah my problem is I bought a pair of not inexpensive shoes from them and they were gorgeous and great for like 3 wears.. then a zipper broke, then the patent leather started wearing terribly.. etc etc...

      Also writing notes, you gotta get up and leave the room or develop great night vision!

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