The Weight Of It.

I started writing this post when I saw the light at the end of the kick-from-hell-tunnel.  And then Archie got cellulitis.  And then Archie got caught up in an electric fence and caused his leg to bleed and I wondered if he were going to have another bout of cellulitis.  So I waited.  I didn't talk about the leg-fence because I was pretty much done at that point.





I wrote this post about a dozen times over the past three months before ultimately deleting whatever I had spewed out and writing something else. Or nothing at all. Now that we're officially on the other side, I feel like talking about it is less of a trigger.  Also: don't ever make a joke about someone else's horse going into retirement.  At 18, that shit isn't funny.

This has been hard. 

I didn't write about the "other life stuff" that was going on while all this happened with Archie, probably because I would have quit the internet just to read it myself, but here are the basics:  we buried a family member; the person training me at the job I started two weeks prior to the kick went out the same week as the kick and was gone for a solid month; a stranger helped themselves to my money and all of my accounts were frozen.. the day before I got paid; the freaking holidays; and my doctor finally agreed to start me on a medication, but I had to trial four variations - when I finally found the one I liked, my insurance refused until I trialed another medication.  It's not a "life or death" medication, but a quality of life medication.  Surprise:  it's actually not happy pills.

The family member passed after battling cancer.  Fuck cancer.  Let's work a little harder on curing that shit.

So instead of drowning myself in my sorrows, I want to share a little bit about what steps I took and support I had to not lose my mind:

The Spouse
I'm not kidding, the Man is amazing.  He understood that every.single.day would start and end with Archie.  That included weekdays, weekends, and Christmas.  He offered to run errands, pick up fixings, whatever I needed.


Time Management
Because I was getting up at 5:40 (a whole hour earlier than normal... hated it.), I wanted to minimize as much as possible what I had to do in the morning.  That meant that I cooked all of my breakfasts and lunches on Sunday.  I would pop my eggs in the microwave for a minute and they'd be good as fresh.  I'd pack all my foodstuff for the next day the night before.  And I cut out anything that caused me to deviate from seeing Archie immediately after work, which was pretty much just photos and the gym on Thursday.  The food prep also helped because I was burning a shit ton fewer calories and consuming more...


Alcohol
This is called "self-medicating" and is generally frowned upon.  More so if half of your double-helix was donated by an alcoholic.  But I'm a grown up.  I can say, "Life is shit right now, I'm going to cook my dinner with a beer and think about how shitty life is."


Running
I didn't run much or often, because depression tells you not to (also, weather), but I started running a couple of miles on the days that I was only changing Archie's wraps and not his bandage.  The longer days helped with this.  Also, Steph helped with this because she totally hooked me up with some awesome running sleeves.  I've got my first 5k in years planned for the end of this month. I ran that 5k and my epic derpness is here.


So here's the good news:  I've been lunging Archie every other day just long enough to check his soundness.  And last night, pony was sound.  I said this to the BM's Kid just as Archie's head whipped around to look at me.  She said he probably heard, so I yelled, "Crippled ponies never get ridden!"  Tomorrow, jackass.

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27 comments

  1. Oh sweetie you've been through it. You're my freaking inspiration right now. You're awesome! Keep on keeping on.

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  2. YAY for soundness, BOO for life's major setback and sadnesses. We're all cheering you and Archie on here amidst it all. For the record, Lime-A-Rita's or whatever that can of stuff is don't count as real alcohol anyways so don't sweat it, it's this generations version of a teenage wine cooler :P OMG have you tried the Mango version of it, yums.

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  3. Hugs.

    You are a trooper and a worker and I'm so glad you have hubs in your camp. Horse trauma is so hard because it hits us right where we can't take pressure and makes everything else worse. Here's to things improving.

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  4. It's people like you that keep my head up and make me push harder to get through my day. :) We've got to stick together! Glad Archie is doing okay! I've probably mentioned it before but check out Pegasus from Lite Cure. I'm telling you it's amazing and hopefully someone in your area does it. The Level 4 laser is the best but even finding a Level 3 out there... Does wonders!

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  5. Damn. And here I was complaining about car woes and stupid shit. Perspective.

    Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  6. What a crazy time for you. Happy to hear that Mr. Archie is finally sound again!

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  7. I bet it was cathartic to finally get this post out. I hope it is a small comfort to know that there are those of us out here who have never even met you, but really are pulling for you just the same! It can't make the day to day stuff any better but it is pretty cool if you think about it. Pats to Archie.

    Fuck Cancer.

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  8. Can I drive down there and give you a big hug? Because I feel like you deserve all the hugs right now. Life is really shitty sometimes, and you are one tough cookie. Your spirit really shines through in how you got through all of this shitty mcshit, and your husband is a total rockstar. Saying a prayer for you guys and sending love!

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  9. you prob don't want us all telling you that you're fucking boss and an inspiration, but too damn bad. you're a fucking boss. i can't even handle regular life with such control and grace. get it, girl.

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  10. I realize we are just strangers on the internet - but I'm so glad you have an awesome spouse to support you through this, and I'm so sorry life threw all this horrible crap at you at once. Been through some awful shit myself (some of which was similar to what you got dealt, all at once, in the same few months, and it was fucking the worst). I got through it, too, somehow... So I say from experience that I also think drinking is perfectly acceptable and BOTH sides of my double helix were donated by an alcoholic but I do not care one bit, wine makes me feel less like stabbing someone.

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  11. Wow. So sorry and sad to hear about the shit you've been dealing with. Each one alone can be overwhelming, and dealing with it all at the same time sounds like a nightmare. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way. Your positive outlook and gratitude are truly inspiring.

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  12. Ahhh crap. You got the fence nemesis too? This is what happened to my mare just over a year ago which resulted in a scenario much like you already went through. Good for you for hanging in there and remaining positive.
    I have just started running again. Man it is tough! How did you manage a 5k!

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  13. life has really just been piling on top of you lately - any of those things individually is enough to send a sane person into a tail spin.. glad to hear you're feeling like you're officially on the other side of all the shit now - fingers crossed it just keeps getting better from here! and congrats on the 5k!!

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  14. I really hope everything starts getting better for you. You deserve it!

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  15. I'm sorry to hear this broken horse brigade friend! I've started using the mantra that this too will pass and things will get better again in many situations in my life, not just the horse ones. We all go through many horrible things (and awesome things too!) throughout our lives and I'm glad you are able to just keep pushing along! It sounds like you have a great support system too!

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  16. Ah man, sorry to hear about all of this and girl, PREACH, when you say never make a joke about another horses's retirement. Facing into a semi-retirement with an 11 year old, I have all the feels about that comment.

    Your strategies are exactly what I try too, and it's so hard sometimes, but i'm glad you're figuring it all out and trying to keep a semblance of normality about you.

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  17. Bud Light Lemonritas are everything. Everything. Drink as many as necessary.

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  18. It only gets better from here!! Stay strong!!!! :) :) : ) :)

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  19. Hugs!! You've been so strong through all of this, and I know that I admire you so much for that. Sometimes life sucks hardcore, you should do whatever it is you need to in order to get by and be happy. Cheers to you, you're a badass!

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  20. When it all starts to overwhelm. I remind myself that this too shall pass. And sobriety is over-rated. :0)

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  21. Sorry you have had such a rough time. I just had a family member diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer last month. Diagnosed on a Thursday, started chemo that Monday. This is the third family member diagnosed with some form of cancer. I find myself staring off in the distance sometimes just wondering why.

    Great job on just doing what you had to do for this rough patch. Hope everything continues to improve!!

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  22. You are one of the toughest people I know (or rather "know", being as I only know you on the internet, but still). I'm so sorry it's been so rough in every aspect of your life. I had missed your non-horsey posts as well and had wondered if everything else was okay. I too hope that everything continues to improve. *hugs*

    Archie, STAY SOUND DAMMIT!

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  23. What a bunch of everything...ugh. But I love this post and its 'silver lining' take on things. It sounds like you've got all the tools to keep marching strong. That is a very awesome thing and so wonderful that you've figured the pieces out!

    Hugs to you all the same!

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  24. When it rains, it pours. But it sounds like things are starting to look up for you now <3

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  25. Sending LOTS of positive vibes and ((hugs))

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  26. Really belatedly catching up, sorry hun i have no idea how i fell so far behind on blog reading.
    I hope you're well out of the woods and frolicking together in the sunshine - but either way mahoosive hugs!!!

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